Funny, but this date has a ring to it! Oh yea, THE BUDMAN NIGHT!!!!!Ah, the memories! (Sigh)
So, I talked to Christopher for a little bit yesterday afternoon. He called and wanted to know what time I was going to the game on the 18th so he could arrange a time before the game so we could hook up and say "Hi." After talking to him for a while, I knew it was over. He was plain adamant that there is no love there for me like it was. He said he just decided that we wasn't in love. Period. nothing I did or said really. Just the ticket situation, my relationship with Scott, just made him decide that he just didn't feel love for me anymore. Done. Over. Nothing. He said he was sorry for being so "cavalier" about it. So I told him that it was pretty much out of the question that I'd be friends with him. I am even having difficulty with the webiste at the moment.
I have finally been able to get made at him. I even got to say some of the things I needed to say to Christopher.
I cried a bit last night. Couldn't get to sleep. Drinking way too much lately.
Scott seems to be in a pissy mood. Or is it he just chafes and bristles, like I do, when someone edits his piece.
I've taken over editing on the website. Christopher handed it over to me. He wants to put a fucking disclaimer on the site re Scott's and my articles. "not Necessarily The Opinion Of LaPuck." If he does that, I'm blowing this whole thing off. I'll just throw out an article or two every now and then, blow of his board, silly polls and everything else. I have already put him on block on all my AOL names, except TATTRICK. So, he can't long on AOL and IM me.
I don't want to talk to, see, or thing about him. I am deeply hurt by his actions. All I know how to do is just remove myself from his life. And I am trying to do that. Eliminate all possible contact from him right now. I am so blown away he dumped me!!!
FUCK HIM AND THE WHEELCHAIR HE RODE IN ON.
Doing laundry this AM. Been trying to fool around AOL again. Nothing but bozos online as usual. Shit.
Tried to cyber with this guy last night. First he plays out (over the past week) that he is this internet virgin. Yeah, right. He was lame to begin with, using words like "yummy" to describe my porno email. HELP!!!
So, I went along last night - needing to FUCK anything even cyber - just to forget Christopher - and he played along for a while. Then, he starts going on and on and on and on (fuck, I wasn't even reading it, I was answering Scott's email) about what he was doing to me. I realized right then that he was no virgin. I just eventually stopped answering his IM's and today, I put him on block. Let the bozo get the hint.
Then there was the fucking dancing cowboy looking for, no, his words, a new dancer partner. I thought for a moment this could pan out, but he turned out to be very self-obsessed. Another name deleted. But not blocked.
I need a new romantic/sexual interest, and soon.
Friday
Tuesday
April 21, 1986
Since I have not been able to find a book, I will use this for my Hawai'i trip and experience.
First of all, while I am at LAX, I run into Joni Cohen, who is now Joni Weinstein, and was on her honeymoon ... to Hawai'i ... on the same fucking flight as me! What a trip! More about that later.
My first day here was fine. I miss baseball, that's all. Howie is still so far away from himself, it is quite amazing. Be that as it is, I went with he and Jan to listen to some jazz last night. OK stuff, although the skill and playing were top notch, the material was rather bland. I seemed to have made an impression and sparked a reaction from the boys in the band here. In fact, I keep getting all kinds of waves, smiles, whistles, etc. from all the passers-by here - strange!
I have been on some emotional peak lately and have the feeling that something major is occurring emotionally for me. I am highly sensitive to emotions at this particular time, and am given to tears incredibly quickly. Although Howie is not satisfied with the room I ended up with, I rather like it. It overhangs the main street in Kihei, and so is constantly busy and noisy (as, a piece of home!). Also, there is an all-night espresso/health-food, fast food place right around the corner! Snickers, smoothies and espresso, Oh Boy!
The condo has a bedroom with two twin beds. Howie asked for one king-sized which they agreed upon so he did not like that. Me, I slept on the couch in the living room! Who cares! The kitchen is nice with a compact washer/dryer. Yeah. Basic bathroom. And a lanai. So, all in all, not bad. An ocean view, as well, from the lanai. But, Howie says he was shown one unit and paid for it, but delivery was of a different unit. So ....
I found the aerobics place. I walked about 20 minutes to it, so it is not real bad. I bought a 13-class card for $36.00. I'll take class this evening, hopefully, two back to back. Otherwise, maybe just the one. We'll see. It says "Intermediate/Advanced" so I am with my element. Let's see.
I went to the store and bought some food and stuff. I am going to make some tabouli now.
Padres lost Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Dodgers lost two but won on Sunday.
First of all, while I am at LAX, I run into Joni Cohen, who is now Joni Weinstein, and was on her honeymoon ... to Hawai'i ... on the same fucking flight as me! What a trip! More about that later.
My first day here was fine. I miss baseball, that's all. Howie is still so far away from himself, it is quite amazing. Be that as it is, I went with he and Jan to listen to some jazz last night. OK stuff, although the skill and playing were top notch, the material was rather bland. I seemed to have made an impression and sparked a reaction from the boys in the band here. In fact, I keep getting all kinds of waves, smiles, whistles, etc. from all the passers-by here - strange!
I have been on some emotional peak lately and have the feeling that something major is occurring emotionally for me. I am highly sensitive to emotions at this particular time, and am given to tears incredibly quickly. Although Howie is not satisfied with the room I ended up with, I rather like it. It overhangs the main street in Kihei, and so is constantly busy and noisy (as, a piece of home!). Also, there is an all-night espresso/health-food, fast food place right around the corner! Snickers, smoothies and espresso, Oh Boy!
The condo has a bedroom with two twin beds. Howie asked for one king-sized which they agreed upon so he did not like that. Me, I slept on the couch in the living room! Who cares! The kitchen is nice with a compact washer/dryer. Yeah. Basic bathroom. And a lanai. So, all in all, not bad. An ocean view, as well, from the lanai. But, Howie says he was shown one unit and paid for it, but delivery was of a different unit. So ....
I found the aerobics place. I walked about 20 minutes to it, so it is not real bad. I bought a 13-class card for $36.00. I'll take class this evening, hopefully, two back to back. Otherwise, maybe just the one. We'll see. It says "Intermediate/Advanced" so I am with my element. Let's see.
I went to the store and bought some food and stuff. I am going to make some tabouli now.
Padres lost Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Dodgers lost two but won on Sunday.
Monday
June 6, 1988
11:45 p.m.
Boy, it really does take about 24 hours to "come down" off of Brad.
I'm feeling normal for now, until our next encounter, physically speaking.
Friday's Billy Vera gig was fun. I was goofing with one of the black comedians (sp like shit!)[editor's note - Tommy Davidson]. He was getting all sexual with me toward the end, and at one point I had on his sunglasses, and he put his fingers in his mouth and got them wet and streaked his sunglasses (while on me). So, I took them into the ladies' room and while in there, stuck my fingers into my pussy and rubbed them on the lenses, then I went out and handed the dude his glasses. He said "You didn't did you?" and proceeded to smell them! What a riot! He ended up giving me his telephone number. I am not interested, however. (Too much Brad on the brain these days).
Saturday was fun also. I was miss social butterfly at the gig ... everyone's fave of the night! Even BV himself gave me a few lines of direct dialogue. Too funny.
Taped Brad at the telethon and watched it when I got home on Saturday night. (I was really fucked up ... peed a tad on myself on the way home, YUK). I telephoned Brad and slurred some shit into his machine about his thing on TV. No real memory, however, of the conversation. I undressed and passed out in bed. A short while later I hear Brad pull up outside (how I knew it was him [on his Harley] and not Benjamin [rice burner] - I don't know ... in fact, I have a vague recollection of Benjamin calling and leaving a message on my machine Saturday. ... oh well).
I pulled myself as together as I could and tried to relate to Brad. He was wired up from the performance and some whiff he did earlier. So we watched the tape, he popped some shots of Jack and I rolled a doobie.
I recollect some intense conversation between us, but mostly I recall that he made me feel real comfortable about his being here. Sort of put me at ease. He addressed the lead singer bit that was cropping up now and then in our lives and he wanted me to know he was aware of what he is doing with the band and wanted to be reassured, I guess, that I wasn't going to have problems dealing with that.
I sensed a real and incredibly strong vibration of power emanating from him during the evening and was aware of this being a moment of his direct approach with me. I acknowledged it.
We had intense sex, although not nearly as emotionally satisfying (for me) as the foreplay prior that consisted of a lot of emotional feelings flowing between us. But, I was also on the rag and a bit distracted by that.
Actually, I did real well considering I was on the rag and not at all prepared to be with Brad.
We crashed at 4ish or so in the AM on Sunday. I got up at 10:00 and went out to the living room to read the sports page and listen to music. Eventually I put on the ballgame.
I woke Brad up around noon.
We hung out briefly. It was somewhat slow. When he finally got ready to leave, I mentioned to give me a call if he a wanted a ride with company. He hesitate a moment and then told me to "change and let's get out of here."
We went to Venice. We had a nice day.
His roommate gave him notice that day.
Boy, it really does take about 24 hours to "come down" off of Brad.
I'm feeling normal for now, until our next encounter, physically speaking.
Friday's Billy Vera gig was fun. I was goofing with one of the black comedians (sp like shit!)[editor's note - Tommy Davidson]. He was getting all sexual with me toward the end, and at one point I had on his sunglasses, and he put his fingers in his mouth and got them wet and streaked his sunglasses (while on me). So, I took them into the ladies' room and while in there, stuck my fingers into my pussy and rubbed them on the lenses, then I went out and handed the dude his glasses. He said "You didn't did you?" and proceeded to smell them! What a riot! He ended up giving me his telephone number. I am not interested, however. (Too much Brad on the brain these days).
Saturday was fun also. I was miss social butterfly at the gig ... everyone's fave of the night! Even BV himself gave me a few lines of direct dialogue. Too funny.
Taped Brad at the telethon and watched it when I got home on Saturday night. (I was really fucked up ... peed a tad on myself on the way home, YUK). I telephoned Brad and slurred some shit into his machine about his thing on TV. No real memory, however, of the conversation. I undressed and passed out in bed. A short while later I hear Brad pull up outside (how I knew it was him [on his Harley] and not Benjamin [rice burner] - I don't know ... in fact, I have a vague recollection of Benjamin calling and leaving a message on my machine Saturday. ... oh well).
I pulled myself as together as I could and tried to relate to Brad. He was wired up from the performance and some whiff he did earlier. So we watched the tape, he popped some shots of Jack and I rolled a doobie.
I recollect some intense conversation between us, but mostly I recall that he made me feel real comfortable about his being here. Sort of put me at ease. He addressed the lead singer bit that was cropping up now and then in our lives and he wanted me to know he was aware of what he is doing with the band and wanted to be reassured, I guess, that I wasn't going to have problems dealing with that.
I sensed a real and incredibly strong vibration of power emanating from him during the evening and was aware of this being a moment of his direct approach with me. I acknowledged it.
We had intense sex, although not nearly as emotionally satisfying (for me) as the foreplay prior that consisted of a lot of emotional feelings flowing between us. But, I was also on the rag and a bit distracted by that.
Actually, I did real well considering I was on the rag and not at all prepared to be with Brad.
We crashed at 4ish or so in the AM on Sunday. I got up at 10:00 and went out to the living room to read the sports page and listen to music. Eventually I put on the ballgame.
I woke Brad up around noon.
We hung out briefly. It was somewhat slow. When he finally got ready to leave, I mentioned to give me a call if he a wanted a ride with company. He hesitate a moment and then told me to "change and let's get out of here."
We went to Venice. We had a nice day.
His roommate gave him notice that day.
Sunday
April 1, 1984
April Fool's Day! Today I told David I was getting a divorce from him. The moon is in Aries, so wouldn't you know I would act. Surprisingly, I am experiencing very little pain. As I have been becoming increasingly aware of, David and I no longer connect. I have my own significant feelings and thoughts about this. I get very angry if I try to go over the last 2-1/2 years of my life with this man, but then, I come to realize that is not important. I do believe David stopped loving me a long, long time ago. He has not been able to adjust to it, that's all. So he made me the one who didn't love, and truly projected those feelings. I am, however, a most fully realized feelings person, and I never stopped loving David, ever, through our life. I have only recently realized I have to stop the outpouring of my affection, not necessarily love, just my expression of it in relation to David. I could be back in Oregon, and putting all my energy and focus on a relationship with David. But, what for?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
View My Stats