Saturday, July 19, 2014

April 1, 1984

April Fool's Day!  Today I told David I was getting a divorce from him.  The moon is in Aries, so wouldn't you know I would act.  Surprisingly, I am experiencing very little pain.  As I have been becoming increasingly aware of, David and I no longer connect.  I have my own significant feelings and thoughts about this.  I get very angry if I try to go over the last 2-1/2 years of my life with this man, but then, I come to realize that is not important.  I do believe David stopped loving me a long, long time ago.  He has not been able to adjust to it, that's all.  So he made me the one who didn't love, and truly projected those feelings.  I am, however, a most fully realized feelings person, and I never stopped loving David, ever, through our life.  I have only recently realized I have to stop the outpouring of my affection, not necessarily love, just my expression of it in relation to David.  I could be back in Oregon, and putting all my energy and focus on a relationship with David.  But, what for?

Friday, July 18, 2014

March 29, 1999

Funny, but this date has a ring to it!  Oh yea, THE BUDMAN NIGHT!!!!!Ah, the memories!  (Sigh)

So, I talked to Christopher for a little bit yesterday afternoon.  He called and wanted to know what time I was going to the game on the 18th so he could arrange a time before the game so we could hook up and say "Hi."  After talking to him for a while, I knew it was over.  He was plain adamant that there is no love there for me like it was.  He said he just decided that we wasn't in love.  Period.  nothing I did or said really.  Just the ticket situation, my relationship with Scott, just made him decide that he just didn't feel love for me anymore.  Done.  Over.  Nothing.  He said he was sorry for being so "cavalier" about it.  So I told him that it was pretty much out of the question that I'd be friends with him.  I am even having difficulty with the webiste at the moment.

I have finally been able to get made at him.  I even got to say some of the things I needed to say to Christopher.

I cried a bit last night.  Couldn't get to sleep.  Drinking way too much lately.  

Scott seems to be in a pissy mood.  Or is it he just chafes and bristles, like I do, when someone edits his piece.

I've taken over editing on the website.  Christopher handed it over to me.  He wants to put a fucking disclaimer on the site re Scott's and my articles.  "not Necessarily The Opinion Of LaPuck."  If he does that, I'm blowing this whole thing off.  I'll just throw out an article or two every now and then, blow of his board, silly polls and everything else.  I have already put him on block on all my AOL names, except TATTRICK.  So, he can't long on AOL and IM me.

I don't want to talk to, see, or thing about him.  I am deeply hurt by his actions.  All I know how to do is just remove myself from his life.  And I am trying to do that.  Eliminate all possible contact from him right now.  I am so blown away he dumped me!!!


Doing laundry this AM.  Been trying to fool around AOL again.  Nothing but bozos online as usual.  Shit.

Tried to cyber with this guy last night.  First he plays out (over the past week) that he is this internet virgin.  Yeah, right.  He was lame to begin with, using words like "yummy" to describe my porno email.  HELP!!!

So, I went along last night - needing to FUCK anything even cyber - just to forget Christopher - and he played along for a while.  Then, he starts going on and on and on and on (fuck, I wasn't even reading it, I was answering Scott's email) about what he was doing to me.  I realized right then that he was no virgin.  I just eventually stopped answering his IM's and today, I put him on block.  Let the bozo get the hint.

Then there was the fucking dancing cowboy looking for, no, his words, a new dancer partner.  I thought for a moment this could pan out, but he turned out to be very self-obsessed.  Another name deleted.  But not blocked.

I need a new romantic/sexual interest, and soon.


Thursday, July 17, 2014

October 11, 2000


What a fabulous trip I had in New York.

Steve, a recovering crack-addict, now lives in Harlem.  That story will come later.

I met up with SJ (Yannick44 Aol) and John (JDye2Day Aol).

John was a lot more attractive than his picture shows.  he is actually quite pleasant and I was comfortable with him.  Steve came with me to pick/meet John at Penn Station.  I had been keeping whack hours (bed by 4 am Friday, and 6 am Saturday) and looked like shit!

It took a while to find him, but we did.  So we walked over to the hotel a few blocks away and checked in first.  Steve was a fabulous buffer, not to mention, great guide since I was still somewhat out of it.  Steve then took off on his own, and John and I went over to Starbucks and just talked for about an hour or so.

We were supposed to have dinner later with Tony, but we had not heard back from him by about 5, so we went back to the hotel.  Took a cab up to Steve's for me to pack some clothes.  John seemed ok and comfortable with the surroundings, and he chatted up Steve while I packed some things.

Smoked a good joint with Steve and took a cab back to the hotel.  Still no word from Tony by this point.  Back at the hotel ...

First off, John has some dreamy dark blue eyes.  He is lovely to look at.  I had no complaints whasoever in that department.  It was easy to stay focused on him.  There were many a meaningful gaze between us.

By this time, I was pretty sure he was attracted in the physical sense, to me and I could feel his uncomfortableness in not knowing what to do next.  So, I was basically blunt and said it was time to start talking about our feelings and stuff.  I asked if I could touch him and I took his hand.

He was very nervous.  I kept holding and massaging his hand as we talked more.  He had some fears of what to do next.  We talked for about another 20 minutes, and then he moved over and put his arms around me and held me tight.  I hugged back just as intently.  After a moment or two, I made the move to kiss him.  He was ok with that, and was very good with the soft kissing routine.  It got a bit more passionate, and eventually we relaxed on the bed and had a good make out session.

Then we went out to dinner.  [to be continued]

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

March 9, 2005

Entries are far and few.  That does not mean life has been uninteresting; quite the contrary.

Living in this new apartment, with Zaire and Mercedes, has been a lot more than I expected.  It has been working out quite well, for all of us.

It was under strange circumstances that we even ended up living together.

I had been living in the same apartment for ten years.  Although Mercedes and I lived just four blocks apart, it was not convenient.  First, parking made it difficult to drive back and forth, such that, for example, if I were to babysit Zaire at his home, I'd have to walk back to my apartment afterward, which most of the time was after midnight.  Or, if Zaire stayed at my place he would have to spend the night.  My apartment was (1) too small for a toddler and (2) not suited for children.  

I have always liked Mercedes' apartment building, and it was our intention, money permitting, to both rent an apartment here.  That way, it wouldn't be difficult with the babysitting and stuff.

Well, around July last year (2004) a couple of apartments became vacant in Mercedes' building.  There was this really large one bedroom that the prior tenant had been paying $850 per month, while Mercedes' rent for her smaller one-bedroom was $800 per month.  We were extremely interested, but when we were told the rent would be $950, we balked.  Then, the manager asked me if I would be interested in a job being the on-site manager, for a $200 reduction in rent.  There was Mercedes' apartment that I could take at $800 less the $200, so it seemed like a great idea.  Mercedes took the new apartment for $950 and I gave my 30 days notice.  Mercedes moved the stuff into her new apartment over the course of a week in July 2004.  I had a couple of garage sales and was all prepared to move when the manager said I couldn't have Mercedes' old apartment, but that I could rent out a smaller one, a studio, with full bath and small kitchen including stove and refrigerator, for $700.  I was ok with that, $700 less $200 was $500 and that was workable.

After all was said and done, and Mercedes was signing her new lease, I inquired about the on-site job.  The manager indicated that the job would now, NOT be available for at least six months but I was still invited to rent out the small apartment for $700!  Needless to say, Mercedes and I were dumbfounded.  Here we were with only one apartment between us, and no other choices.  We both started to cry a little, and then we each addressed the unthinkable ... what if we both moved into the new, larger apartment?

The measurements of the bedroom were only 125 square feet smaller than my living space at the old apartment.  So, we decided to give it a try.  She, because she was desperate for a baby sitter and help with Zaire, and me, because I was having difficulty supporting two complete households.

Eight months later, and this arrangement has been working out fabulously.

Editor's Note:  This "perfect" arrangement unraveled over the years, and in 2007, Mercedes moved out.  I wished she would have left my grandson, Zaire, but alas, she took him with her!  I am currently living in the small studio in the same building, but paying $900!!!!!

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

April 21, 1986

Since I have not been able to find a book, I will use this for my Hawai'i trip and experience.

First of all, while I am at LAX, I run into Joni Cohen, who is now Joni Weinstein, and was on her honeymoon ... to Hawai'i ... on the same fucking flight as me!  What a trip!  More about that later.

My first day here was fine.  I miss baseball, that's all.  Howie is still so far away from himself, it is quite amazing.  Be that as it is, I went with he and Jan to listen to some jazz last night.  OK stuff, although the skill and playing were top notch, the material was rather bland.  I seemed to have made an impression and sparked a reaction from the boys in the band here.  In fact, I keep getting all kinds of waves, smiles, whistles, etc. from all the passers-by here - strange!

I have been on some emotional peak lately and have the feeling that something major is occurring emotionally for me.  I am highly sensitive to emotions at this particular time, and am given to tears incredibly quickly.  Although Howie is not satisfied with the room I ended up with, I rather like it.  It overhangs the main street in Kihei, and so is constantly busy and noisy (as, a piece of home!).  Also, there is an all-night espresso/health-food, fast food place right around the corner!  Snickers, smoothies and espresso, Oh Boy!

The condo has a bedroom with two twin beds.  Howie asked for one king-sized which they agreed upon so he did not like that.  Me, I slept on the couch in the living room!  Who cares!  The kitchen is nice with a compact washer/dryer.  Yeah.  Basic bathroom.  And a lanai.  So, all in all, not bad.  An ocean view, as well, from the lanai.  But, Howie says he was shown one unit and paid for it, but delivery was of a different unit.  So ....

I found the aerobics place.  I walked about 20 minutes to it, so it is not real bad.  I bought a 13-class card for $36.00.  I'll take class this evening, hopefully, two back to back.  Otherwise, maybe just the one.  We'll see.  It says "Intermediate/Advanced" so I am with my element.  Let's see.

I went to the store and bought some food and stuff.  I am going to make some tabouli now.

Padres lost Friday, Saturday and Sunday.  Dodgers lost two but won on Sunday.

Monday, July 14, 2014

June 6, 1988

11:45 p.m.

Boy, it really does take about 24 hours to "come down" off of Brad.

I'm feeling normal for now, until our next encounter, physically speaking.

Friday's Billy Vera gig was fun.  I was goofing with one of the black comedians (sp like shit!)[editor's note - Tommy Davidson].  He was getting all sexual with me toward the end, and at one point I had on his sunglasses, and he put his fingers in his mouth and got them wet and streaked his sunglasses (while on me).  So, I took them into the ladies' room and while in there, stuck my fingers into my pussy and rubbed them on the lenses, then I went out and handed the dude his glasses.  He said "You didn't did you?" and proceeded to smell them!  What a riot!  He ended up giving me his telephone number.  I am not interested, however.  (Too much Brad on the brain these days).

Saturday was fun also.  I was miss social butterfly at the gig ... everyone's fave of the night!  Even BV himself gave me a few lines of direct dialogue.  Too funny.

Taped Brad at the telethon and watched it when I got home on Saturday night.  (I was really fucked up ... peed a tad on myself on the way home, YUK).  I telephoned Brad and slurred some shit into his machine about his thing on TV.  No real memory, however, of the conversation.  I undressed and passed out in bed.  A short while later I hear Brad pull up outside (how I knew it was him [on his Harley] and not Benjamin [rice burner] - I don't know ... in fact, I have a vague recollection of Benjamin calling and leaving a message on my machine Saturday. ... oh well).

I pulled myself as together as I could and tried to relate to Brad.  He was wired up from the performance and some whiff he did earlier.  So we watched the tape, he popped some shots of Jack and I rolled a doobie.

I recollect some intense conversation between us, but mostly I recall that he made me feel real comfortable about his being here.  Sort of put me at ease.  He addressed the lead singer bit that was cropping up now and then in our lives and he wanted me to know he was aware of what he is doing with the band and wanted to be reassured, I guess, that I wasn't going to have problems dealing with that.

I sensed a real and incredibly strong vibration of power emanating from him during the evening and was aware of this being a moment of his direct approach with me.  I acknowledged it.

We had intense sex, although not nearly as emotionally satisfying (for me) as the foreplay prior that consisted of a lot of emotional feelings flowing between us. But, I was also on the rag and a bit distracted by that. 

Actually, I did real well considering I was on the rag and not at all prepared to be with Brad.

We crashed at 4ish or so in the AM on  Sunday.  I got up at 10:00 and went out to the living room to read the sports page and listen to music.  Eventually I put on the ballgame.

I woke Brad up around noon.

We hung out briefly.  It was somewhat slow.  When he finally got ready to leave, I mentioned to give me a call if he a wanted a ride with company.  He hesitate a moment and then told me to "change and let's get out of here."

We went to Venice.  We had a nice day.

His roommate gave him notice that day.
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